I Don't Think I'm Asking For To Much.

So do you wanna know what I want?

I want it all!

I want to be loved so much it hurts. The frissons. The pin pricks. The mind-blowing sex. The connection. I want to be married with kids I adore, and a husband who makes me feel safe, sexy, smart, secure, silly, serious, sinful, serene, and satisfied. I want someone who makes me laugh until milk comes out of my nose (even though I don't drink milk). I want to finish someones sentences. I want to believe in someone... in something... in a future that's not just about laundry, and soccer practice, and subdivisions, and minivans, and guilt tripping grandparents. I want to make someone a better person. I want to be a good example. I want to love some kids into the world. I want someone who stimulates my brain as much as my body. I want to taste everything and go everywhere. I want to give and I want to get.

I want too much and I want it all in one person....

I Used To Write...

I used to write all the time; it was my way of letting out all the things I bottled up. In a way I like to think that it kept me alive during my darkest times. When I was in high school I went through a really deep depression. I wouldn't talk about my issues and instead I found release from my pain on the inside by focusing it all on the outside. I cut myself for over 2 years without anyone really finding out, and it wasn't until about 6 months after I stopped that my dad noticed some scars I had on my wrist. By that time I had stopped and my life seemed to of changed... leaning more towards the good than the bad. However this post isn't about my depression. I am dedicating this one to my favorite poem I ever wrote. I wrote this when I was 17 years old.

UNSPOKEN WORDS

As I bite my tongue on all I say

And slowly dig my sorrow deeper

I don’t let people hear my pain out loud

But when alone I hide my head an wish for sudden death

It’s then that the words unsaid creep slowly up my throat

And choke the remaining life out of my frail an hollow body

I shake with grief and sadness

If only I could say what haunted me

But this could never happen

It’s either hurt myself or others

They wouldn’t understand anyway

They would just confuse and twist the meaning of my tears

If only someone would listen to my hurt

But this will never happen

My relief only comes with one swift slice

The crimson red drips

As I’m momentarily released from all my misery

Scars have now replaced what once was open

But still hidden deep inside is the wounds

No matter how hard I try they will never disappear

One day though

It will overpower my weak attempt of concealing it

Years and years of hidden words will flood my insides

The blade will shine and look like heaven

All at once it will all come clear

The pain will terminate yet again

With more slits then before

The rag once an off-white is now a deep crimson

The once small cuts turn into deep trenches across my wrists

My lap is now covered in the dark blood

As I breathe in I feel a sense of calm

A long-over-due smile caresses my sorrow held eyes

As I joyfully slip away

I am finally released from the spell I was consumed in

Now I’m no longer struggling

I am finally in peace

The unspoken words have won

I am gone

You no longer can deny the pain I was in

I don’t have to mask my emotions to save your feelings

I am free of my unhappiness

I don’t have to watch myself decompose anymore

Its your turn to mourn the death of me

I have finished my mourning long ago

You have now noticed I am dead

Regardless if I have been internally gone for a while or not

You never noticed the war I was in

I have finally buried the words

You will no longer be in pain

I regret the way it ended but relieved it is complete

The words have been waiting for their moment to escape

And finally never will

I can now still be the "happy" person you knew

Your image of me can remain untainted

You can now disguise how I felt anyway you want

But remember I did love you

You just denied the situation I was in

You tried to form me into what you considered perfect

I just couldn’t live in the bubble you placed me in

And you wouldn’t hear anything I had to say

The words caused us to drift apart

Finally I am now free to the world

No longer will you ignore my cries

No longer will you misread my agony

No longer will words erode me

By: Tori S.

Andy and Doug FTW!

So unfortunitally for me my household doesn't have cable or interent.

YIPPIE FOR BEING POOR!

And of course season 6 of Weeds is starting TODAY!

So I am just going to say it... this BLOWS; not to mention that basically everyone I know is going to be watching it while I am at home watching the same movies that I have watched hundreds of times. UGH!

Well I guess I can atleast be lucky that I have friends that are going to let me catch up on my missed episodes. (Even if they don't know it yet hehehe.)

So for even one that is watching it I only have one thing to say to you...

You suck. Oh and don't tell me ANYTHING about it. I want to have the pleasure of finding out what happens on my own. (M-kay thats 2 things, but whatevs.)

Enjoy the show everyone!

So I Finally Caved...

My younger sister Jenna has been trying to get me to read the Twilight Saga for YEARS. She was one of those twieens that basically stalked the net for any information that was available when Twilight was in production. I went with her to see it in theaters without having read even 1 sentence of the book, and to my surprise I really enjoyed the movie. After I saw it she started pestering me to read the books again, which I ended up being able to dodge. I went with her on opening night to see New Moon, and again when Eclipse came out.

I have to admit that I love this saga.

Go Team Edward!!!

Then a couple of days ago, I read online that Breaking Dawn will be made into 2 parts, and that the first part wont be in theaters until November of 2011 with part two being released November 2012. This was very disappointing. I have been putting off reading this saga because I heard so much criticism from the fans of the books towards the movies. I prefer to watch the movies and enjoy them for what they are... a 2 hour entertaining escape from reality; where I am pulled into a different world where anything can happen. I didn't want to judge the movies and compare them to the book on every little detail, and I liked the idea of the finding out what happens by watching the lovely Robert Pattinson.

Then the moment I saw that I will have to wait a year to see what happens next, and Eclipse just ending at Edward asking Bella to marry him so he can change her. I knew that I would have to start reading the books. (I am WAY to impatient to wait a year when left on such a cliffhanger.) So I started and finished Twilight a couple of days ago and I am going to say it... the book was amazing. Granted it basically took me half of the book before I really got into it, but once I did there was no putting it down. To me it was well written and the love story it told was so amazing.

I started reading New Moon yesterday. I was more excited to read this book then I was Twilight because I loved the movie so much more... I have gone through a major heartbreak, and from watching the movie I understood the deep depression that Bella was in. I was completely captivated after just reading the first page, and I was in tears before I even got 50 pages in. I can not wait to read more of it. Obviously the books are different from the movies; they go into a lot more details and have things that were left out of the movies, but all in all I love them both. I have officially caved in! If anyone is looking for me you can find me with my nose buried in the books!

My Journey Has Begun!!

I've done it! I have come up with a decision that will life-changing! I have decided to have weight-loss surgery!!!!

I know what you may be thinking... but it is decided and I have no intentions on changing my mind. My parents have been suggesting it to me for years, but at that time I figured it would be to hard and that it didn't seem worth my efforts. I didn't see the point in trying to fight a losing battle.

Weight has always been an issue for me; in the 8th grade I weighted a whopping 280 lbs, and I remained large until my dad was given custody of my sisters and I. Once we moved in with him he decided to put all of us on the Atkins Diet. Eating no carbs and having almost 3 hours of gym class everyday seemed to work wonders, and after a year I lost 80 pounds!

Unfortunately that success didn't last very long, and by the time I was a senior in high school I no longer stuck to the Atkins plan and I started slowly inching my way back up in the pounds. Then add 1 year of a deep depression due to a bad and very lonely relationship, and a person that is a comfort eater, and you get the perfect ingredients for Super Morbid Obesity.

Sadly it only took me that 1 year to gain over 200 lbs.

I have maintained the same deathly weight for 3 years now. And I am not going to lie. I has to the point where I didn't want to try to lose the weight. I thought it was to hard, and that I was to close to dieing to even really try. It took me 1 year to gain it, but it was going to take me a life time to lose it, and keep it off, and I didn't want to put the work in.

Then in June of this year I woke up one morning and finally looked at myself in the mirror. I had been avoiding mirrors for the past 6 years and the image I saw broke me... I saw only a shell of the person I used to be. I looked in my eyes and i saw myself disappearing. I realized then that I have changed. I was letting my weight take over who I was as a person and I didn't like it one bit. I missed the girl I was 6 years ago.

It was the moment that I decided I was going to do whatever it took to bring myself back. I instantly started to look online for solutions and started researching surgeries. I applied to go to a informational seminar and I called my parents and told them what I was planning. The joy I heard on the other end of the phone was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I knew my weight affected my family; I knew they all worried about my health, but that was the first time it actually hit me. I wanted to make my family proud of me, but most of all I want to make myself proud.

It took me 6 years to realize that my life is worth fighting for. And I am going to do it!

I have already had my first month of weight management with my primary care doctor, and I have had a consultation with my future surgeon. I am working towards getting Gastric Bypass the beginning of next year. The struggle is going to be hard, but I am going to pull through.

At the end of my struggle I am not going to win money like they do on the biggest loser, I' m not going to be a super model or a sex goddess, but I will get to live a full long life in good health... And to me that is the best prize of all!

Wish me luck!

UGHH IT'S HOT

This morning the radio was reporting that it is supposed to be in the hundreds today. Us Marylanders like to call days like today HOT AS BALLS. See Maryland is one of those lucky states where we get to experience every season; we get the colored falling leaves in the Fall, snow in Winter, plenty of green and flowers in our rainy Springs, and the heat in the Summer. But this year so far we seem to be getting the extremes. In February we had 2 blizzards in a week, and we were buried in around 5 feet of snow for what seemed like an entire month. Then in May we had non-stop rain, and now we are only in the first month of Summer and we are already peaking at over 100 degrees! While driving down the road I decided to go ahead and check the temperature to see if the radio was right and turns out it was... a whopping 104! Damn, I wasn't aware that I was living in Hell! Mother Earth please bring back the lovely high 80s!!!

Happy 4th!

Well Jenna stayed at her boyfriend Bob’s house last night, so I had the house to myself. I had plans to wake up pretty early, since it was my first day off of work in a week, but I failed at that plan and ended up sleeping in until after noon. Even though I woke up late I still felt pretty accomplished; I did some laundry, cooked and ate lunch, watched How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, got showered and dressed, and then went to Bob’s house for a cook out. It was my first time meeting his Dad and his brother Chris, who is home from the Air Force Academy until Friday. We all played Corn Hole (A game where you have to throw bean bags onto a platform with a hole in it. To score points the bag has to land on the platform for 1 point and if it goes in the hole its 3 points.) Then we watched some of Inglorious Bastards. The movie seemed really awesome, but they had more guests show up at the house so we ended up turning it off right before the bat scene :(.

The food there was pretty delicious; we ate shrimp and ribs, and had some really awesome sides. When the sun went down we all went out front to the cul-de-sac. Some of their neighbors came out and set off their MD approved ground fireworks. They were pretty, but it seemed like they had about 50 of the exact same firework going off. Luckily Bob and Chris road tripped to PA to buy some fireworks that are illegal in MD. The mortar fireworks they got are by far my favorites. I love how you can feel them when they shot off... and the fact that they are in the sky, huge, and awesome doesn't hurt either lol. All in all it was a really fun day. I’m really glad we went there. Next year his mom suggested we all go to DC to watch the fireworks. That should be a pretty awesome show to see. I hope you all had a great 4th too!