My Soulmate....

Tasha has pretty much held the place as my official "Besterest Friend" for the past 12 years. She is the first person I turn to when my world is crumbling and also the first one I want to talk to when something good is happening. Her and I met over math homework when I was in the 6th grade. My mom asked her to try and help me with my fractions, but all she ended up doing was sitting next to me, staring at my homework then looking at me, and asking if I would rather go outside and play. It was the beginning of what I consider the best friendship I will ever have.

When my parents split up she was there for me. She listened to me when I needed someone to talk to and she lent me a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed it, and she always knows just what to do to make me smile and laugh. When Rocky and I broke up she offered me a place to get away. So I packed up my bag and drove 7 hours to spend the hardest time of my life with her. My dad told me I was being irresponsible for taking the trip since at the time I didn't have 10 dollars to my name. but what he didn't understand is that I needed her. I was in such a bad place after Rocky broke my heart that I honestly didn't know if I could survive, and I needed her to ease some of my pain. I needed to see her face and have her hug me so that I knew everything was going to be okay and that I could make it out alive.

I moved away from her after only knowing her for 2 years, and from experience alone I figured she would be like all my other best friends that would write for a bit then basically drop off the face of the Earth, But Tasha was different; she put just as much effort into the friendship as I did, and what came out of it was hundreds of thousands of phone conversations, a ton of letters, and multiple trips to see eachother. It seemed like the distance brought us closer some how. To this day I consider her to be my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, and I wouldn't know how to survive without her!

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along." - Bride Wars

My Rock!

Well since Father’s Day was on Sunday, I wanted to do a post about the best man I know… my Dad.

My mom was a partyer to say the least. She was the first one at a party and the last one to leave. She had a ton of friends and seemed to spend every free minute she had in their company. My dad on the other hand, has always been a home-body. Every now and then he would go out with my mom, but he made sure he was home in time to tuck my sisters and I in bed at night. He worked very hard to make sure that his wife and 3 kids had everything they needed, and yes that meant that a few Christmases and Birthdays went on without him, but he always had a way of making it up to us.

Shortly after my grandma on my mom's side, Macaw, passed away my parents split up, and my dad moved to a different state 2 hours away, and left us with our mom. He told us that he wanted us to live with him, but he knew our mom needed us to be with her. So he left with seriously only his clothes and an old couch that we kept in the basement. Everything else in the house that was rightfully half his, he left so that my sisters and I wouldn't have to do without them. For a year he called us every morning before we left for school and again every night to wish us sweet dreams before we went to bed. He picked us up every Wednesday and took us out to dinner, and we spent every other weekend with him.

After a year of my parents being separated the living conditions at my mom's house drastically changed. By this time my mom had moved a man that was 14 years younger then her into our house. He beat my mom, cooked and sold drugs out of our house, killed my older sister Tara's pet iguana, and would verbally abuse Tara on a regular basis. While all this was happening all my mom would do was make excuses for him.

I remember it so clearly... on August 2nd, 2000 my dad picked us up like and took us to this small antique shop out by the old train tracks . He sat down with us at a picnic table and told us that he was going to take us from our mom. That he can't stand for us to live in that house for one more day, and that he is having a police officer deliver papers to her for them to go to court for custody. He asked us to act normal and to pack a small bag of clothes and things as if we are only staying there for a few days. When he took us back home he asked my mom if we could stay with him until Monday since summer was almost over and she told him that was fine. So we said good-bye to our mom while holding back tears and faking smiles.

When they ended up going to court the judge ruled in my dad's favor and he was given full custody of us. We moved with him in his one bedroom apartment and he slept on the couch in the living room. At the time he was a restaurant manager and he quit is job and found another one with better hours so he could be home with us. By the time another year went by; he remarried and together they got us a house big enough for us each to have our own rooms.

A man raising 3 girls willingly is hard to come by... at least to me it is. He stepped up and did what was best for us. He always put our needs before his own. He worries about us non-stop and he does what he can to help. When Tara had 2 kids and couldn't provide the life they deserved she asked our dad to take them and he did with open arms. He has always been there for us and he always will be. I might not agree with his decisions 100%, but in the back of my mind I know that he does what he does for a reason. He has taught us to be strong and to try and fix our own problems, but in the same sense when we hit rock bottom he is right there to help us get on our feet. He is loving, caring, sweet, funny, goofy, supportive, and by far the best man I will ever know, and I love him with all of my heart.

Where's Far Far Away Again?!?!

From the time we are little girls we hear stories of "happily ever after..."; we hear of princesses that have their prince charming sweep them off of their feet, and whisk them away to live the life of a fairytale.

We end up holding this perfect image in our minds of how one day the man of our dreams is going to come and save us from the simple life that we live. That all the messed up shit in our world will somehow completely disappear with just one glance from this man that we never met, and our world will suddenly be everything we imagined it would be. There are hundreds and hundreds of movies that have the same concept; where in the end the girl gets the guy - he chooses her, and everything they face somehow magically works out, because isn't that how we've been told it was supposed to happen?

I was one of those girls, I wasted so many years of my life waiting for Mr. Right. I'm not going to lie, there was once a man in my life that I believed was my so called "Prince". Yeah, I loved him, but I never got the fairytale life I expected - and in the end I didn't get the guy. I was left instead with my heart shredded and everything that made me, me, was gone. I lost myself while trying to be in love. I forgot about who I was - I was so consumed in trying to make my relationship be the way I was programmed for it to be. And the worst thing about it all, was how long it took me to even start to find myself again, and how now that I have I want to be in love. I want someone to love me, all of me, the exact way I am... flaws and all.

I think I am a good enough person; I think I am worthy of love. But then again in this situation it doesn't matter what i think, or feel really. I am still waiting for that guy to open his eyes and see that I am the best thing in his life, and he needs me to be with him or his world just wouldn't make sense. I wish on every star that my prayers for this will be answered - that I can find the man that makes my life just as good as the ones in every Disney story. I want to know what it feels like to be a part of something amazing and magical. I want my life to be better then my dreams. I want this empty void that I have to be filled.

I've been alone for over 2 years now, and I still haven't given up on me childhood story - that my "prince" is just out there waiting to sweep me off my feet. But I'm not going to lie, every day it gets harder and harder to hold on to the dream. I just want to give up so badly sometimes - it is so heartbreaking to feel unwanted... unloved, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I am ready to be loved, and I have been patient, but I still have to wait. It's in times like this where Jiminy Cricket's song "When You Wish Upon A Star" pops in my head and plays on repeat, and scratches my dreams. It's hard to hold on to some idea that you have, when there is nothing really to prove it?

Then when I think my life is at its worst, and I am feeling really down, a man comes into the picture. He seems perfect... and being the hopeless romantic that I am, I confuse what it is and I start to get feelings. I guess I changed the rules on him - went faster then he wanted, or tired to push him too soon... I'm honestly not really sure what happened. I just know that I am back at the beginning; right back to... waiting - dreaming - wishing - and hoping. I just have to stay strong. I don't believe I am destined to be alone... So I just have to wait.

"Some day my prince will come

Some day I'll find my love

And how thrilling that moment will be

When the prince of my dreams comes to me..."