I Don't Think I'm Asking For To Much.

So do you wanna know what I want?

I want it all!

I want to be loved so much it hurts. The frissons. The pin pricks. The mind-blowing sex. The connection. I want to be married with kids I adore, and a husband who makes me feel safe, sexy, smart, secure, silly, serious, sinful, serene, and satisfied. I want someone who makes me laugh until milk comes out of my nose (even though I don't drink milk). I want to finish someones sentences. I want to believe in someone... in something... in a future that's not just about laundry, and soccer practice, and subdivisions, and minivans, and guilt tripping grandparents. I want to make someone a better person. I want to be a good example. I want to love some kids into the world. I want someone who stimulates my brain as much as my body. I want to taste everything and go everywhere. I want to give and I want to get.

I want too much and I want it all in one person....

I Used To Write...

I used to write all the time; it was my way of letting out all the things I bottled up. In a way I like to think that it kept me alive during my darkest times. When I was in high school I went through a really deep depression. I wouldn't talk about my issues and instead I found release from my pain on the inside by focusing it all on the outside. I cut myself for over 2 years without anyone really finding out, and it wasn't until about 6 months after I stopped that my dad noticed some scars I had on my wrist. By that time I had stopped and my life seemed to of changed... leaning more towards the good than the bad. However this post isn't about my depression. I am dedicating this one to my favorite poem I ever wrote. I wrote this when I was 17 years old.

UNSPOKEN WORDS

As I bite my tongue on all I say

And slowly dig my sorrow deeper

I don’t let people hear my pain out loud

But when alone I hide my head an wish for sudden death

It’s then that the words unsaid creep slowly up my throat

And choke the remaining life out of my frail an hollow body

I shake with grief and sadness

If only I could say what haunted me

But this could never happen

It’s either hurt myself or others

They wouldn’t understand anyway

They would just confuse and twist the meaning of my tears

If only someone would listen to my hurt

But this will never happen

My relief only comes with one swift slice

The crimson red drips

As I’m momentarily released from all my misery

Scars have now replaced what once was open

But still hidden deep inside is the wounds

No matter how hard I try they will never disappear

One day though

It will overpower my weak attempt of concealing it

Years and years of hidden words will flood my insides

The blade will shine and look like heaven

All at once it will all come clear

The pain will terminate yet again

With more slits then before

The rag once an off-white is now a deep crimson

The once small cuts turn into deep trenches across my wrists

My lap is now covered in the dark blood

As I breathe in I feel a sense of calm

A long-over-due smile caresses my sorrow held eyes

As I joyfully slip away

I am finally released from the spell I was consumed in

Now I’m no longer struggling

I am finally in peace

The unspoken words have won

I am gone

You no longer can deny the pain I was in

I don’t have to mask my emotions to save your feelings

I am free of my unhappiness

I don’t have to watch myself decompose anymore

Its your turn to mourn the death of me

I have finished my mourning long ago

You have now noticed I am dead

Regardless if I have been internally gone for a while or not

You never noticed the war I was in

I have finally buried the words

You will no longer be in pain

I regret the way it ended but relieved it is complete

The words have been waiting for their moment to escape

And finally never will

I can now still be the "happy" person you knew

Your image of me can remain untainted

You can now disguise how I felt anyway you want

But remember I did love you

You just denied the situation I was in

You tried to form me into what you considered perfect

I just couldn’t live in the bubble you placed me in

And you wouldn’t hear anything I had to say

The words caused us to drift apart

Finally I am now free to the world

No longer will you ignore my cries

No longer will you misread my agony

No longer will words erode me

By: Tori S.

Andy and Doug FTW!

So unfortunitally for me my household doesn't have cable or interent.

YIPPIE FOR BEING POOR!

And of course season 6 of Weeds is starting TODAY!

So I am just going to say it... this BLOWS; not to mention that basically everyone I know is going to be watching it while I am at home watching the same movies that I have watched hundreds of times. UGH!

Well I guess I can atleast be lucky that I have friends that are going to let me catch up on my missed episodes. (Even if they don't know it yet hehehe.)

So for even one that is watching it I only have one thing to say to you...

You suck. Oh and don't tell me ANYTHING about it. I want to have the pleasure of finding out what happens on my own. (M-kay thats 2 things, but whatevs.)

Enjoy the show everyone!

So I Finally Caved...

My younger sister Jenna has been trying to get me to read the Twilight Saga for YEARS. She was one of those twieens that basically stalked the net for any information that was available when Twilight was in production. I went with her to see it in theaters without having read even 1 sentence of the book, and to my surprise I really enjoyed the movie. After I saw it she started pestering me to read the books again, which I ended up being able to dodge. I went with her on opening night to see New Moon, and again when Eclipse came out.

I have to admit that I love this saga.

Go Team Edward!!!

Then a couple of days ago, I read online that Breaking Dawn will be made into 2 parts, and that the first part wont be in theaters until November of 2011 with part two being released November 2012. This was very disappointing. I have been putting off reading this saga because I heard so much criticism from the fans of the books towards the movies. I prefer to watch the movies and enjoy them for what they are... a 2 hour entertaining escape from reality; where I am pulled into a different world where anything can happen. I didn't want to judge the movies and compare them to the book on every little detail, and I liked the idea of the finding out what happens by watching the lovely Robert Pattinson.

Then the moment I saw that I will have to wait a year to see what happens next, and Eclipse just ending at Edward asking Bella to marry him so he can change her. I knew that I would have to start reading the books. (I am WAY to impatient to wait a year when left on such a cliffhanger.) So I started and finished Twilight a couple of days ago and I am going to say it... the book was amazing. Granted it basically took me half of the book before I really got into it, but once I did there was no putting it down. To me it was well written and the love story it told was so amazing.

I started reading New Moon yesterday. I was more excited to read this book then I was Twilight because I loved the movie so much more... I have gone through a major heartbreak, and from watching the movie I understood the deep depression that Bella was in. I was completely captivated after just reading the first page, and I was in tears before I even got 50 pages in. I can not wait to read more of it. Obviously the books are different from the movies; they go into a lot more details and have things that were left out of the movies, but all in all I love them both. I have officially caved in! If anyone is looking for me you can find me with my nose buried in the books!

My Journey Has Begun!!

I've done it! I have come up with a decision that will life-changing! I have decided to have weight-loss surgery!!!!

I know what you may be thinking... but it is decided and I have no intentions on changing my mind. My parents have been suggesting it to me for years, but at that time I figured it would be to hard and that it didn't seem worth my efforts. I didn't see the point in trying to fight a losing battle.

Weight has always been an issue for me; in the 8th grade I weighted a whopping 280 lbs, and I remained large until my dad was given custody of my sisters and I. Once we moved in with him he decided to put all of us on the Atkins Diet. Eating no carbs and having almost 3 hours of gym class everyday seemed to work wonders, and after a year I lost 80 pounds!

Unfortunately that success didn't last very long, and by the time I was a senior in high school I no longer stuck to the Atkins plan and I started slowly inching my way back up in the pounds. Then add 1 year of a deep depression due to a bad and very lonely relationship, and a person that is a comfort eater, and you get the perfect ingredients for Super Morbid Obesity.

Sadly it only took me that 1 year to gain over 200 lbs.

I have maintained the same deathly weight for 3 years now. And I am not going to lie. I has to the point where I didn't want to try to lose the weight. I thought it was to hard, and that I was to close to dieing to even really try. It took me 1 year to gain it, but it was going to take me a life time to lose it, and keep it off, and I didn't want to put the work in.

Then in June of this year I woke up one morning and finally looked at myself in the mirror. I had been avoiding mirrors for the past 6 years and the image I saw broke me... I saw only a shell of the person I used to be. I looked in my eyes and i saw myself disappearing. I realized then that I have changed. I was letting my weight take over who I was as a person and I didn't like it one bit. I missed the girl I was 6 years ago.

It was the moment that I decided I was going to do whatever it took to bring myself back. I instantly started to look online for solutions and started researching surgeries. I applied to go to a informational seminar and I called my parents and told them what I was planning. The joy I heard on the other end of the phone was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I knew my weight affected my family; I knew they all worried about my health, but that was the first time it actually hit me. I wanted to make my family proud of me, but most of all I want to make myself proud.

It took me 6 years to realize that my life is worth fighting for. And I am going to do it!

I have already had my first month of weight management with my primary care doctor, and I have had a consultation with my future surgeon. I am working towards getting Gastric Bypass the beginning of next year. The struggle is going to be hard, but I am going to pull through.

At the end of my struggle I am not going to win money like they do on the biggest loser, I' m not going to be a super model or a sex goddess, but I will get to live a full long life in good health... And to me that is the best prize of all!

Wish me luck!

UGHH IT'S HOT

This morning the radio was reporting that it is supposed to be in the hundreds today. Us Marylanders like to call days like today HOT AS BALLS. See Maryland is one of those lucky states where we get to experience every season; we get the colored falling leaves in the Fall, snow in Winter, plenty of green and flowers in our rainy Springs, and the heat in the Summer. But this year so far we seem to be getting the extremes. In February we had 2 blizzards in a week, and we were buried in around 5 feet of snow for what seemed like an entire month. Then in May we had non-stop rain, and now we are only in the first month of Summer and we are already peaking at over 100 degrees! While driving down the road I decided to go ahead and check the temperature to see if the radio was right and turns out it was... a whopping 104! Damn, I wasn't aware that I was living in Hell! Mother Earth please bring back the lovely high 80s!!!

Happy 4th!

Well Jenna stayed at her boyfriend Bob’s house last night, so I had the house to myself. I had plans to wake up pretty early, since it was my first day off of work in a week, but I failed at that plan and ended up sleeping in until after noon. Even though I woke up late I still felt pretty accomplished; I did some laundry, cooked and ate lunch, watched How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, got showered and dressed, and then went to Bob’s house for a cook out. It was my first time meeting his Dad and his brother Chris, who is home from the Air Force Academy until Friday. We all played Corn Hole (A game where you have to throw bean bags onto a platform with a hole in it. To score points the bag has to land on the platform for 1 point and if it goes in the hole its 3 points.) Then we watched some of Inglorious Bastards. The movie seemed really awesome, but they had more guests show up at the house so we ended up turning it off right before the bat scene :(.

The food there was pretty delicious; we ate shrimp and ribs, and had some really awesome sides. When the sun went down we all went out front to the cul-de-sac. Some of their neighbors came out and set off their MD approved ground fireworks. They were pretty, but it seemed like they had about 50 of the exact same firework going off. Luckily Bob and Chris road tripped to PA to buy some fireworks that are illegal in MD. The mortar fireworks they got are by far my favorites. I love how you can feel them when they shot off... and the fact that they are in the sky, huge, and awesome doesn't hurt either lol. All in all it was a really fun day. I’m really glad we went there. Next year his mom suggested we all go to DC to watch the fireworks. That should be a pretty awesome show to see. I hope you all had a great 4th too!

He Always Takes The Good Ones...

My family moved to the Annapolis, MD area almost 10 years ago. It was the second move since my dad was given custody of my sisters and I, and we moved into a quiet waterfront community right off of the Chesapeake Bay. Since I didn't have any friends in the area; I spent my time hanging out with my sisters and walking our dog down to the beach. It was on one of those walks where I met Ajay. He lived in the neighborhood too and was in the same grade as I was. Ajay and I hit it off really well quickly, and it was through Ajay that I met my other future best friends Brian and Kenny. Since Ajay already accepted me in the group neither of the other two really had a problem taking me in under their wing, and I ended up hanging out with the three of them everyday, and we all became very close.

Over time our group changed some and Kenny and I grew much closer. Not only were we spending time together in school, but we were spending all our time out of school together too. I honestly started to get a major crush on him; he was so funny, and when I was around him I couldn't help but smile. At this time in my life I was very self-conscious because I was always the "fat kid" in school; so even though I was pretty much in love with Kenny I never told him. I just sat on the sidelines and watched him date girls that weren't right for him.

After we all graduated High School I met Rocky and moved out of my neighborhood and into an apartment with him. The apartment was about 30 minutes away from my old neighborhood, and being as I was the only one out of them that had a car, I didn't really see them all to much. The only one I really kept in touch with was Kenny, and after a while Kenny started hanging at our apartment with us all the time. I would pick Kenny up and he would stay with us for weekends here and there. Rocky really didn't mind that much because out of all of my friends Kenny and him had the most in common; they would talk about fishing and hunting all day long, and never run out of things to say.

On the surface Kenny seemed like he was a happy person, but the people that knew him, knew that deep down he was very troubled. He had many issues that I couldn't help him with, and unfortunately he turned to hardcore drugs as a way of cooping with his pain. I honestly believe that it was because of his drug addictions that Rocky also didn't mind him always being at our place. When he was with us he was clean; so I tried to keep him at my place as much as possible.

I remember one night in particular; I had a about 7 friends stay the night and party at the apartment. Kenny was always the first one to pass out when everyone would drink and around 5 am everyone else would join him. I on the other hand can usually never sleep when I have people over (thanks a lot anxiety), and about the time everyone fell asleep Kenny woke up. So that morning it was just the two of us. He sat there and we talked about all kinds of things. Then he looked at me and told me that Rocky was a lucky guy. That he wished he could meet a girl like me. It was then that I told him how I had a crush on him since I basically became friends with him. I told him that I would have dated him in a heartbeat and that if I was ever going to cheat on Rocky (which is something I would normally never do) it would be with him. I told him that I loved him and that he means the world to me. And to that he just looked at me and gave his smile that could always make me melt and said that I should have said something earlier. He gave me a hug and then told me that he could tell Rocky loved me and that we had something special, and that he was happy for the both of us.

Three years ago today I received a call from my friend Trisha. She was in tears and hysterical. As soon as I answered I could feel something was wrong. So I asked her, and she told me that she just heard that Kenny was found in his bed that morning dead. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. I had just seen him a few days before and she had to be lying. I was in complete shock. She told me that he died from a heroin overdose, and there was nothing anyone could do by the time they found him. My heart crumbled. I knew that people die young every day, but I never in a million years imagined that it would happen to someone that I knew, and that was so close to me. And the thing that hurt the most was that at the time he was telling me that he was staying clean, that he was going to his N.A. meetings, and that it was helping him.

I didn't understand, and I was so angry with him for leaving us. I still to this day don't know why it happened; why it was that he had to die. He was so young... he was only a month away from his 21st birthday and we had plans to go out and go bar hopping. He had plans with Rocky and I to go camping with us that Summer, to go hunting with Rocky that Fall, he just had so much in life that he still had to do; but now he was gone. After he passed I had to unfortunately cut down on my friends. The guys that I hung out with were still doing drugs, and I honestly couldn't live through losing another person so close to me over something as stupid as drugs. I wish there was more that I could have done for him while he was alive to help him with his pain, but at least I know that the last thing I said to him was that I loved him. And now looking back it is surprising how much a memory is built off of things that went unnoticed at the time. I miss him every single day, and I have never and will never stop loving him.

Rest in Peace Kenny Potter

August 7th 1986 - July 2nd 2007

"There's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die." - The Sandlot

My Soulmate....

Tasha has pretty much held the place as my official "Besterest Friend" for the past 12 years. She is the first person I turn to when my world is crumbling and also the first one I want to talk to when something good is happening. Her and I met over math homework when I was in the 6th grade. My mom asked her to try and help me with my fractions, but all she ended up doing was sitting next to me, staring at my homework then looking at me, and asking if I would rather go outside and play. It was the beginning of what I consider the best friendship I will ever have.

When my parents split up she was there for me. She listened to me when I needed someone to talk to and she lent me a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed it, and she always knows just what to do to make me smile and laugh. When Rocky and I broke up she offered me a place to get away. So I packed up my bag and drove 7 hours to spend the hardest time of my life with her. My dad told me I was being irresponsible for taking the trip since at the time I didn't have 10 dollars to my name. but what he didn't understand is that I needed her. I was in such a bad place after Rocky broke my heart that I honestly didn't know if I could survive, and I needed her to ease some of my pain. I needed to see her face and have her hug me so that I knew everything was going to be okay and that I could make it out alive.

I moved away from her after only knowing her for 2 years, and from experience alone I figured she would be like all my other best friends that would write for a bit then basically drop off the face of the Earth, But Tasha was different; she put just as much effort into the friendship as I did, and what came out of it was hundreds of thousands of phone conversations, a ton of letters, and multiple trips to see eachother. It seemed like the distance brought us closer some how. To this day I consider her to be my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, and I wouldn't know how to survive without her!

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along." - Bride Wars

My Rock!

Well since Father’s Day was on Sunday, I wanted to do a post about the best man I know… my Dad.

My mom was a partyer to say the least. She was the first one at a party and the last one to leave. She had a ton of friends and seemed to spend every free minute she had in their company. My dad on the other hand, has always been a home-body. Every now and then he would go out with my mom, but he made sure he was home in time to tuck my sisters and I in bed at night. He worked very hard to make sure that his wife and 3 kids had everything they needed, and yes that meant that a few Christmases and Birthdays went on without him, but he always had a way of making it up to us.

Shortly after my grandma on my mom's side, Macaw, passed away my parents split up, and my dad moved to a different state 2 hours away, and left us with our mom. He told us that he wanted us to live with him, but he knew our mom needed us to be with her. So he left with seriously only his clothes and an old couch that we kept in the basement. Everything else in the house that was rightfully half his, he left so that my sisters and I wouldn't have to do without them. For a year he called us every morning before we left for school and again every night to wish us sweet dreams before we went to bed. He picked us up every Wednesday and took us out to dinner, and we spent every other weekend with him.

After a year of my parents being separated the living conditions at my mom's house drastically changed. By this time my mom had moved a man that was 14 years younger then her into our house. He beat my mom, cooked and sold drugs out of our house, killed my older sister Tara's pet iguana, and would verbally abuse Tara on a regular basis. While all this was happening all my mom would do was make excuses for him.

I remember it so clearly... on August 2nd, 2000 my dad picked us up like and took us to this small antique shop out by the old train tracks . He sat down with us at a picnic table and told us that he was going to take us from our mom. That he can't stand for us to live in that house for one more day, and that he is having a police officer deliver papers to her for them to go to court for custody. He asked us to act normal and to pack a small bag of clothes and things as if we are only staying there for a few days. When he took us back home he asked my mom if we could stay with him until Monday since summer was almost over and she told him that was fine. So we said good-bye to our mom while holding back tears and faking smiles.

When they ended up going to court the judge ruled in my dad's favor and he was given full custody of us. We moved with him in his one bedroom apartment and he slept on the couch in the living room. At the time he was a restaurant manager and he quit is job and found another one with better hours so he could be home with us. By the time another year went by; he remarried and together they got us a house big enough for us each to have our own rooms.

A man raising 3 girls willingly is hard to come by... at least to me it is. He stepped up and did what was best for us. He always put our needs before his own. He worries about us non-stop and he does what he can to help. When Tara had 2 kids and couldn't provide the life they deserved she asked our dad to take them and he did with open arms. He has always been there for us and he always will be. I might not agree with his decisions 100%, but in the back of my mind I know that he does what he does for a reason. He has taught us to be strong and to try and fix our own problems, but in the same sense when we hit rock bottom he is right there to help us get on our feet. He is loving, caring, sweet, funny, goofy, supportive, and by far the best man I will ever know, and I love him with all of my heart.

Where's Far Far Away Again?!?!

From the time we are little girls we hear stories of "happily ever after..."; we hear of princesses that have their prince charming sweep them off of their feet, and whisk them away to live the life of a fairytale.

We end up holding this perfect image in our minds of how one day the man of our dreams is going to come and save us from the simple life that we live. That all the messed up shit in our world will somehow completely disappear with just one glance from this man that we never met, and our world will suddenly be everything we imagined it would be. There are hundreds and hundreds of movies that have the same concept; where in the end the girl gets the guy - he chooses her, and everything they face somehow magically works out, because isn't that how we've been told it was supposed to happen?

I was one of those girls, I wasted so many years of my life waiting for Mr. Right. I'm not going to lie, there was once a man in my life that I believed was my so called "Prince". Yeah, I loved him, but I never got the fairytale life I expected - and in the end I didn't get the guy. I was left instead with my heart shredded and everything that made me, me, was gone. I lost myself while trying to be in love. I forgot about who I was - I was so consumed in trying to make my relationship be the way I was programmed for it to be. And the worst thing about it all, was how long it took me to even start to find myself again, and how now that I have I want to be in love. I want someone to love me, all of me, the exact way I am... flaws and all.

I think I am a good enough person; I think I am worthy of love. But then again in this situation it doesn't matter what i think, or feel really. I am still waiting for that guy to open his eyes and see that I am the best thing in his life, and he needs me to be with him or his world just wouldn't make sense. I wish on every star that my prayers for this will be answered - that I can find the man that makes my life just as good as the ones in every Disney story. I want to know what it feels like to be a part of something amazing and magical. I want my life to be better then my dreams. I want this empty void that I have to be filled.

I've been alone for over 2 years now, and I still haven't given up on me childhood story - that my "prince" is just out there waiting to sweep me off my feet. But I'm not going to lie, every day it gets harder and harder to hold on to the dream. I just want to give up so badly sometimes - it is so heartbreaking to feel unwanted... unloved, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I am ready to be loved, and I have been patient, but I still have to wait. It's in times like this where Jiminy Cricket's song "When You Wish Upon A Star" pops in my head and plays on repeat, and scratches my dreams. It's hard to hold on to some idea that you have, when there is nothing really to prove it?

Then when I think my life is at its worst, and I am feeling really down, a man comes into the picture. He seems perfect... and being the hopeless romantic that I am, I confuse what it is and I start to get feelings. I guess I changed the rules on him - went faster then he wanted, or tired to push him too soon... I'm honestly not really sure what happened. I just know that I am back at the beginning; right back to... waiting - dreaming - wishing - and hoping. I just have to stay strong. I don't believe I am destined to be alone... So I just have to wait.

"Some day my prince will come

Some day I'll find my love

And how thrilling that moment will be

When the prince of my dreams comes to me..."