I Used To Write...

I used to write all the time; it was my way of letting out all the things I bottled up. In a way I like to think that it kept me alive during my darkest times. When I was in high school I went through a really deep depression. I wouldn't talk about my issues and instead I found release from my pain on the inside by focusing it all on the outside. I cut myself for over 2 years without anyone really finding out, and it wasn't until about 6 months after I stopped that my dad noticed some scars I had on my wrist. By that time I had stopped and my life seemed to of changed... leaning more towards the good than the bad. However this post isn't about my depression. I am dedicating this one to my favorite poem I ever wrote. I wrote this when I was 17 years old.

UNSPOKEN WORDS

As I bite my tongue on all I say

And slowly dig my sorrow deeper

I don’t let people hear my pain out loud

But when alone I hide my head an wish for sudden death

It’s then that the words unsaid creep slowly up my throat

And choke the remaining life out of my frail an hollow body

I shake with grief and sadness

If only I could say what haunted me

But this could never happen

It’s either hurt myself or others

They wouldn’t understand anyway

They would just confuse and twist the meaning of my tears

If only someone would listen to my hurt

But this will never happen

My relief only comes with one swift slice

The crimson red drips

As I’m momentarily released from all my misery

Scars have now replaced what once was open

But still hidden deep inside is the wounds

No matter how hard I try they will never disappear

One day though

It will overpower my weak attempt of concealing it

Years and years of hidden words will flood my insides

The blade will shine and look like heaven

All at once it will all come clear

The pain will terminate yet again

With more slits then before

The rag once an off-white is now a deep crimson

The once small cuts turn into deep trenches across my wrists

My lap is now covered in the dark blood

As I breathe in I feel a sense of calm

A long-over-due smile caresses my sorrow held eyes

As I joyfully slip away

I am finally released from the spell I was consumed in

Now I’m no longer struggling

I am finally in peace

The unspoken words have won

I am gone

You no longer can deny the pain I was in

I don’t have to mask my emotions to save your feelings

I am free of my unhappiness

I don’t have to watch myself decompose anymore

Its your turn to mourn the death of me

I have finished my mourning long ago

You have now noticed I am dead

Regardless if I have been internally gone for a while or not

You never noticed the war I was in

I have finally buried the words

You will no longer be in pain

I regret the way it ended but relieved it is complete

The words have been waiting for their moment to escape

And finally never will

I can now still be the "happy" person you knew

Your image of me can remain untainted

You can now disguise how I felt anyway you want

But remember I did love you

You just denied the situation I was in

You tried to form me into what you considered perfect

I just couldn’t live in the bubble you placed me in

And you wouldn’t hear anything I had to say

The words caused us to drift apart

Finally I am now free to the world

No longer will you ignore my cries

No longer will you misread my agony

No longer will words erode me

By: Tori S.